Sleepapalooza 2011

I had a, uh, troublesome pregnancy. And a lot of the trouble happened at night. I had the super fun “normal” nighttime issues, like having to go to the bathroom every 32 seconds, leg cramps, hip pain, and general insomnia, I also had the wee morning triumvirate of evil – waking up EVERY NIGHT between 3 and 5 because I had to throw up, eat, or drink something. Usually, all three. EVERY NIGHT from September 2010 until April 2011. Then, of course, I had a baby, and we all got tons of sleep. And, no.

BUT, for the last two nights, I have been able to sleep for 6 – 7 hours STRAIGHT through. Because my sweet babycakes, the sleep-killer? Who apparently swore out a sleep vendetta against me, determined to drive me mad and weaken my resistance to his new goal of destruction and mayhem throughout my house? Started sleeping at night. For nice, long, extended stretches. BY HIMSELF. I am so, so thankful, and, of course, deeply suspicious. I have also found that, after 15 months of not sleeping for longer than 4 hours at a time, I am going to have to “sleep train” MYSELF. Why?

1. The sleepies have TAKEN OVER. Those gross little eye-crap crusty things? Don’t get ‘em when you don’t sleep.

2. The OMG WHERE IS MY BABY AND WHY ISN’T HE CRYING startle-half jump out of bed obstacle course is obviously for those who are in better shape than I am.

3. Dreams? What?

4. Oh, my tummy hurts.. so bad, I think I’m – wait, is that what it feels like when you don’t get up to pee every 32 seconds? For reals?

5. The urge to get stabby is a little too real at 5 a.m. when my husband wakes me up to tell me the baby is asleep. Really? Did that just happen?

6. I find the absence of grabby little baby hands groping me, and the lack of the insertion of slimy little baby hands INTO MY MOUTH (thanks kid) to be disconcerting. Sometimes I miss the cuddly little warm body!

I feel almost *spoiled* by this much sleep. So much so, that I feel the need to get up early and do stuff. Like laundry. It’s almost like my husband and baby have conspired against me. Almost. Like. That.

Wifeism of the Day

Sometimes when Eric and I are, um.. talking, one of us will say something so outrageous the other can't even keep a straight face, much less a conversation thread, going. (This is not at all intentional, a defense mechanism, or a way to get my husband to shut up. NOT. AT. ALL.) So here you go...

"Let's not leave math crying on the side of the road with logic and reason."

"I don't know WHAT in the history of our relationship makes you think that our sex life depends on whether YOU are mad."

Mommy Friends

My baby has made me socially disabled. For reals. I *used* to be able to make new friends easily. I've asked guys out before. I'm not what you might call shy. But, I have not been able to make new mommy friends. We took a couple baby classes ("Prepared Childbirth, my ass), but didn't "connect" with anyone. And by didn't "connect", I mean its possible I stuttered. Or just stared stupidly. Or smiled that awkward kinda smile usually reserved for first-grade school pictures. Run into an obviously new mom at the grocery store, with a similarly sized bundle o'squalling joy? Grimace/smile weakly and hurry past.
Sooo.. Tomorrow I am checking out a new mom's group at the local library. And I am NERVOUS. Mentally going through my closet, should I do my nails nervous. I'm still not sure why - is this a byproduct of chronic sleep deprivation? My less-than-daily showering schedule? The fact that none of my clothes really fit the same? Or is my baby, in a sneaky attempt to hoard my attention, secretly sabotaging my attempts? I have witnesses (ok, one witness) that my kid's OCA (Only Child Alert) is primed and ready for any sign of affection between his parents. (True Story: to figure out if our stirring child is going to settle back down, my husband will kiss me. 90% of the time (its possible I made up that number), the baby immediately starts to cry). So maybe he also has a SAMR (socially awkward mama ray) he bings at me when I meet other people? I guess we will see.. Wish me luck!

Why Grown-ups Need Sleep Too

*This is an actual argument we had while watching G play with the animals hanging from the toy bar on his bouncer.*
"That dinosaur doesn't look very menacing."
"That's because it's a giraffe."
"It has scales."
"That's a mane."
"Those are scales."
"That's a lion hanging there with it. Why would a lion be hanging out with a dinosaur?"
"Why would a lion be hanging out with a giraffe?"
"It's a giraffe."
"What's that thing in the middle?"
"I don't know.. an amoeba? It didn't come with the set. It was a gift from [a friend]. It's his favorite though."
"Those are scales."
"It's a giraffe!"
"Well, the lion could take the dinosaur anyways, because it's a herbivore."
"Are all imaginary dinosaurs herbivores, or just that one?"
"Shut up."
"What about the amoeba? Can it take out the imaginary dinosaur too?"
"Shut up."